Lifting the lid on mental health issues

Poetry tends to break forth from my heart before it hits pen and paper.

Words are shaped in fires of adversity and honed in hues of happiness.

Neutrality is not my norm.

The unlocking of verse usually relies on deep emotion for me.

This poem was birthed in meditating on an event currently being experienced by a family member.

My brother-in-law, Andrew,  has had Schizophrenia since his teens. You can click on the link to find out about this serious mental health illness.

It has had many manifestations, some manageable at home, or in the community, and others requiring specialist care.

Now he is in a bad place mentally where it is hard to reach out to him and harder still to see the person he once was within.

It is a painful thing to witness as a soul seems lost to all but God.

Here is my poetic rendition of his current situation.

I offer it in empathy, sympathy and support for all those who may suffer similarly, plus their families and carers.

And in the hope of promoting greater awareness and understanding of mental health problems in general.

Locked

Locked

inside a room

made safe

with softness

nothing hard

nothing sharp

to cause harm.

Locked

inside a mind

peopled

made rich

with multiple

conversations

spinning through it.

Locked

into the past

which streams

and seems

ever-present

in the here

and now.

Locked

out of society

and sense

reason and

rationality

 scrambling round

in vain.

Locked

away and observed

by those

paid to care

bathe bodies

soothing mind

being kind.

Locked

and hospitalised

medicated

sedated

until a key

can be found

to set free.

©JoyLenton2o13

All rights reserved

Very few of us will get through life completely untouched or unaffected by mental health issues, either in our own lives or those of our loved ones, family and friends. 

Even fear and anxiety problems can become all-consuming and paralysing.

Mental health disorders can be relatively mild or severe, ranging from debilitating stress to clinical depression, through to paranoia and psychosis.

All need to be taken seriously, treated with care and compassion, with appropriate medical attention and treatment sought as necessary.

Though we can be 'locked in' or 'locked out' in other ways too in terms of isolation, loneliness, and being marginalised or misunderstood by others, often leading to great misery and devastating effects on self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.

Let's aim to befriend, support and care for one another;  to demonstrate God's love and compassion in action to those we know who may need extra understanding and kindness right now.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience" ~ Colossians 3:12

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When listening doesn't always come easy

Welcome to another foray into Five Minute Friday, where we let words fall as they will and catch them on the way, with no reflecting, marinading or worry about being perfect.

Today's prompt is:'Listen'


START...

Prayerful thoughts on hearing from God

"Be still and know that I am God.." ~ Psalm 46:10

"Be still before Me. Quieten your mind and heart. Tune out distracting thoughts and tune in to My voice.

When you search within, My Spirit whispers to your own. I will not shout or overrule your will. Though there are times when My voice carries itself with greater clarity and urgency than others.

Listen regularly and you will develop an ability to discern My voice above the clamour of your own thoughts, above the noise of other voices speaking into your life.

When you become attuned to My voice, then you will realise that I am never silent. My word goes out to the ends of the earth continually.

I speak in many ways:through My Word, through other people, music and books; creation declares My voice loud and clear.

There is no place where I cannot be found and heard by those with ears to listen. And when you do, My still, small voice comforts, reassures, leads, guides, supports and helps you through everything you may encounter.

I am longing to hear from you, my child. 

And I am waiting to speak into your life.

Are you listening?"

STOP.

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world" ~ Psalm 19:1 - 4

How do you best hear from God? 

What aids or hinders that process?

Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

*****

Linking here with Lisa-Jo Baker for Five Minute Friday. You're very welcome to join in.

Like this post? To stay in touch with my poetry and prose you can subscribe by e-mail, follow on Twitter, or like my Facebook page.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy

Little fellows like this have been rudely interrupting my beauty sleep of late.

A dawn chorus of cheerful cheeping.

A morning song rejoicing in the sheer joy of being alive.

An intrusion for an insomniac mind and body already depleted and bone-weary.

Who wants to be disturbed when a body just aches to stay in slumber? 

Who wants to keep windows open to the sound, even when sleep and menopause-flushed enough to crave air?

Well, I didn't really greet my little warblers nesting in the eaves with joy.

Until....

One fell from the nest. Landed in our garden. Was cold and still. Dead to the world.

On a day when we'd marvelled over the sheer courage of such a tiny being seeking out nourishment in the grass, in blissful ignorance of the two furry black felines lurking stealthily next door.

I found myself listening out with deliberation for the next morning joy chorus.

Only the sounds became muted and, pretty soon, the rest of the family sensibly decamped elsewhere.

I missed them more than I thought. Became sad at their sudden departure.

Mourned my heedless, heartless, impatient, irritable sigh as I rose stiff and cross to close the bedroom window against their sound.

Seeing the little one laying stiff on concrete brought to mind how not one sparrow falls to the ground without our heavenly Father's knowledge. And He who gives them life, feeds and watches over us so tenderly too as, in His eyes, we are worth far more than many sparrows (Matthew 6:26 - 27).


And it made me think..how reluctant I often am to start my day, how hard I find it to rise and be thankful, to rejoice for the day God has made.

To see the wonders of life in all its fullness. To marvel afresh at birdsong, breeze and beauty.

As each new day means new manna, new grace, a fresh start.

What's not to like about that?

If I truly considered His gift of life as one of purpose through pain, salvation through suffering, grace through daily griefs, then I ought to try to wake up happy too.

ImageCoutesyofFreeDigitalPhotos.Net

Maybe I could greet the dawn (or slightly later) with anticipation?

Maybe we can waken with a holy joy independent of our circumstances?

For each day could be the first day of the rest of our lives. We can choose to rejoice as an act of faith.

Each day is one step nearer Jesus' return.

Every morning is a miracle of creation as God effectively says to the sun, "Do it again!" and He never tires of doing so.

And aren't you glad that God sees potential in lifeless, dead things, sees promise in dark turning to light, sees joy in the midst of sorrow?

I am.

Dawn greeting may never come easy to me. 

Rising early is not really possible with M.E and chronic pain (unless you count middle of the night) and I think God takes our very human weakness into account.

Though there are occasions throughout the year when I am lured to begin my day a little sooner with the promise of spending time alone in the Father's presence.

It is always well rewarded, no matter how foggy-brained or sleep-deprived I may feel to start with.

Though, more often than not, my body protests and only seeks to wrap duvet closer and snuggle lower. To crawl back into that pit of oblivion and seeking of deep rest I so urgently need.

Maybe those times of early seeking after God will become more frequent with practice.

For now, I'm endeavouring to see the light in each new day as a dawn of possibility, a greeting to God, a nod to His majesty in creation, His calling to waken and be glad to be alive.

And to bow my head (knees don't bend well now) and heart before Him in reverence and awe.

He is worthy.

Of broken nights. Early morns. Missed sleep. Bird song. 

Of all my life as offering for the life He has given me.

For we are precious and honoured in His sight..and He loves us (Isaiah 43: 4)

And that fact alone is worth getting up for. Isn't it?

*******

PS:Chirpy, chirpy, cheep, cheep sounded in my ears again this morning. Our little feathered friends (or their cousins) have returned. And I am celebrating rather than going bonkers over birdsong!

Joining in and linking here (a little late in the week) with our new host, the lovely Ashley Larkin at sixinthesticks for concrete words, where we seek to describe the abstract with a concrete word prompt. This week's prompt is:'The Morning'. Do come over and read Ashley's beautiful reflection and all the other great posts there.

To stay in touch with my posts you can subscribe by e-mail, link with Google Friend Connect, or like my Facebook page.

Falling and Rising

Welcome. This is my latest (and very late contribution) to Five Minute Friday. Life hasn't been quite going to plan recently and things are still adjusting as I seek to recover from a particularly long M.E relapse. Though not as mentally switched on as I would like to be, I offer my best, poetic 5 minutes on the prompt:'Fall'.

START...

Falling and Rising

Kaleidoscope colours

fall to the ground

with crackle

 and crunch

they make 

a fine sound.

Leaves have 

a season

a reason 

to fall. 

As we watch

they're a tumbling

swirling, twirling

grace-dancing

golden haul.

Reminders of life

delicate 

flesh-bound

resilient and full

with promise

 potential

once lost

never found.

Then caught 

in Love's arms

scooped up

and saved

given new hope

we'll rise

redeemed

from the grave.

Season of grace

Season of light

fully dependent 

on God's insight.

His keeping 

and holding

His tender embrace

unfolding our future

where new dreams 

can take place.

No longer subject

to eternal decay

no longer held

in sin 

or death's sway.

We fall 

into His arms

Forever

to stay.

©JoyLenton2013

STOP

ImageCourtesyofphotosforsouls.com

"The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, "The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him" ~ Psalm 92:12 - 15

In this Autumn of my life, it has been a season of stepping back a little for me, not one of obvious fruitfulness. Falling and rising describe pretty well life with M.E and the Christian life in general. 

But a lot of our growth takes place in the dark, quiet nights of the soul, in the secret place where God does His work. It will eventually come forth as He gives grace to reveal what was hidden. 

Linking (in a better-late-than-never fashion) with Lisa-Jo Baker for Five Minute Friday. You are very welcome to join in. It's still open for entries!

To stay in touch with my poetry and prose you can link up by Google Friend Connect, following on Twitter, or by liking my Facebook page.

Seeking calm in a chaotic world

Life has been less than usual for me recently as I've sought an oasis of calm in what felt like an increasingly chaotic world.

Being housebound due to M.E, I've had to look outside my surroundings to seek solace for a burnt-out brain and weary body relapsing and frazzled by too much on-line connectivity.

So I went on a retreat.

No social media. No wi-fi. Nothing but stillness, calm, and lots of time to unwind.

It wasn't all plain sailing.

When life renders us physically still by default with chronic illness, we may assume we know how to sit before God in quiet reverence.

However, I discovered (yet again) how easy it is for a mind to be active and restless even as a body feels relatively inactive.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him" ~ Psalm 62:5

Outward stillness wasn't producing inner calm.

One afternoon when I was away, I heard footsteps tripping lightly up the stairs outside my room and felt a sudden, sharp pang of envy that I couldn't move as freely as they could.

Then I sensed God saying,"I need some to move swiftly hither and thither, and I need others to be still. You are one I choose to be still."

Even if my stillness was a default setting due to physical frailty, I still felt a little bit better after hearing those words, though my own choice would be to be one of the swift and strong, actively capable people.

But we don't always get what we want or think is best. Our ways are not necessarily God's ways.

Here I was in a Convent environment and I found myself barely able to pray. Every time I tried my mind was as weary as my flesh and words wouldn't come.

Part of the reason for being there was to pray about current and future needs and goals and here I was struggling to say much at all.

So I rested, took several deep breaths, and waited on God, and these words eventually came to my spirit:

"Depth matters more than length. Many words can be shallow, self-pitying or for show. A deep prayer is one that arises from a heart recognising its desperate need of and dependence on Me, and recognises Me as the Only Source of help to meet that need:a cry from one heart to another, a wounded soul calling out to Father God"

In the light of this, a simple cry of, "Help me, Jesus" or, "Lord have mercy" is a deep, earnest prayer.

In fact, we don't necessarily have to say anything at all. God hears the unspoken cries of our hearts.

"Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord" ~ Psalm 139:4

One of the lessons God is teaching me is to be still before Him in posture and silent in speech. 

This type of prayer is to be an offering of the heart alone.

It has meant learning to intercede by visualising the person concerned and simply lifting them up to God in my thoughts, holding them there and trusting Him to meet their every need.

Restful for a mind that finds focus hard and words failing!

This was an exercise in being focused primarily on God's Presence instead of on what to say and how to express it.

Being quiet before the Lord has the added bonus of giving us greater ability to hear His voice

I eventually found it really helpful as I began to rest and relax in this way.

Insights came. Peace and strength filled my inner being.

By the end of my stay time alone with God became something I eagerly sought, craved even.

The poem below tries to capture some of the essence of my Retreat experience.

"Be still and know that I am God" ~ Psalm 46:10

Retreat

In this world 

of rush and hurry

it is good sometimes

to pause from the flurry;

savour the flavour of

renewed zeal and zest

of the spiritual kind

that brings peace and rest

to soul and mind.

Let go the cares

Let go the noise

escape the world's snares

entertainment and toys.

Find a quiet place 

where healing resides

to soothe fretful hearts

and God's Spirit abides.

Let in the Light

Let in His Voice

that speaks soft

and calms us

so that we rejoice 

to heed yet again

what we once felt was lost

a treasure indeed -

The Pearl of great cost.

Let Love enfold you

Let Grace restore

all that is broken 

will be redeemed evermore,

enriched by His Presence

engulfed by His care

enlivened inside

as we lean, learn and share.

Returning once more 

to our home lives again
externally the same
internally changed

we have eyes to discern

sacred in the secular

made profound in His Name.

©JoyLenton2013

********

Since returning home it has been quite tricky to maintain lessons learnt in the quiet and stillness of a Convent guesthouse.

I'm very much a beginner on the contemplative journey and going on retreat was a new experience for me.

I'm finding it is becoming essential to try to balance life better by actively seeking to carve out time and space in the daily routine to make way for these moments.

Only life has a way of sneaking up on us with its many distractions, desires and temptations  that leave us time and energy-deprived.

And good intentions need to become new habits if they're not going to get lost.

This lesson looks like an ongoing one as I attempt to discover how often to dip in (and out) of social media, when to move forward and when to draw back, how much contact and connection is healthy and how much is just too draining and depleting for someone with M.E. (you can click on the link to see the symptoms)

It has taken me several days to write this post, though, (thankfully) most of the poem shaped itself when on retreat. My mind and body remain slow and lethargic, dulled further by the stronger analgesia I am taking for pain relief.

Lacking sufficient mental agility or acuity to join in with the usual Five Minute Friday, I am pleased to be linking here today with Missional Women Faith Filled Friday instead. You're very welcome to join us.

********

I'd love to know:

What lessons have you learnt in quiet times and places?

How do you balance life's commitments and personal goals with time with God?

I'm looking forward to hearing from you and sharing our thoughts.

To stay in touch you can connect with me on Twitter or follow on Facebook.

Breaking the silence

Much as a drop of water falling into a still pond creates ripples beyond its size, so does breaking the silence of a quiet retreat.

Before we know it, the world invades thoughts and demands attention.

As I found my phone receiving a signal for the first time in several days, I was alerted to the fact that I had a guest blog post due sooner than anticipated. 

No more social media fast. 

This meant getting down to business quickly to ensure all was ready when required!

It had been (and still is) my intention to spend time absorbing and assimilating the experience of 'time-out' from the busyness of modern life. I have returned desiring to be still and quiet for a little longer as I enjoy reflecting on the things I have learnt before deciding what could be shared.

So today, instead of sharing my retreat experience, I am honoured and delighted to be participating in my friend, Dave Wonder's intriguing series on 'The Alphabet of Manly Virtues' which is examining various character traits of godly men.

I'm looking at this topic from the perspective of 'What women want' as viewed from my personal experience, having spoken previously here about my husband and his part in holding our marriage together.

It starts here:

Imagine you are asked what qualities to look for in a man, the person you love who will ultimately share your life, hopes and dreams. I'm considering this thought based on the  letter 'I'.

Should it be someone with an in-built desire to please? How about ignorance (real or pretended) of our flaws, faults and failings? An impossibly large bank balance might come in handy for all the clothes and shoes women usually love to purchase.

It is helpful for him to be inspiring, to use his own initiative, be imaginative and innovative when it comes to life's tricky problems. I wouldn't want a man to be insensitive, intolerant, or an irritable ingrate either.

As it so happens, I have 'one I made earlier' (or rather God provided) already safely ensconced at home. He is interesting, intelligent, informative, and (best of all) comes with an innate desire to please me. What more could a woman want?....

Do come over with me to Dave's place, 'More than a Beard', (a place for discussion of godly manhood) by clicking on the link to read the rest...

I hope to resume blogging as usual (and answer your lovely comments on my previous post) in the near future - health permitting, of course.

Meanwhile, may you all stay blessed and encouraged in the Lord who strengthens us for every good work to His praise and glory.

********

When retreating looks like the best way forward

Hope this week finds you well, my friend.

Sadly, I'm feeling dog-tired. Reading feels like too much effort, let alone writing.

Words blur, eyes see double and hands cramp stiff.

The last few days have been a huge effort just to wake up and keep going with a body that only cries out for rest and sleep, yet is refreshed by neither.

As I've struggled, fought and wrought to find words to fix on a page - and come up empty - it has reminded me afresh how much I need Holy Spirit inspiration and enabling to do this at all (Okay, to do Everything). 

Ideas were there. But the execution of them was sticky as treacle, stodgy and heavy with a mind like porridge. 

I've thought, prayed and thought some more. The praying yielded better results as always. I sensed God saying, "Just write about how it is and I'll supply the words". 

At least He didn't say, "Do nothing". Much of life with M.E consists of saying "No" to some good things in order to say "Yes" to the better thing - which is usually more rest.

So here goes...let's start again. Lord, please show me what to say..

********

Six months ago I experienced burn-out and drain-out. I was totally depleted in mind, body and spirit.

Having struggled for a few years to keep going with the Women's Fellowship Group I was leading, it was obvious I was floundering, fatigued, and very near collapse, despite the clear supernatural anointing, enabling and equipping that had made it possible at all.

It was the only church-related act of service I had done in years. Attendance at anything else (including Sunday worship itself) was extremely unreliable at best.

So I took time out. Committed to rest. Committed to finding out what God might be asking me to do in the future.

Only I didn't completely rest. I was already fully engaged with social media and blogging by then. Soon, it became my main outlet, source of friendship, fellowship, church, and interest - and it still is. I rushed into everything like a child let loose in a sweet shop who runs eagerly up and down every aisle trying to grab at all the goodies on offer.

God-sized dream? Yay, why not? Living Wonderstruck challenge? Oh, yes, count me in. Join an on-line writing course? Just the ticket. Take up a 30 day Uni-tasking challenge? Great idea. Just what I need. Join lots of Facebook groups? Why not? I love to belong, connect, be a part of what's happening...

And these are all good things. Great ideas. Lovely ways to connect and learn. I've benefited hugely from being involved. Though enthusiasm will only carry us so far if there is insufficient energy to see things through.

But are they God's best for me? There are so many voices speaking into my life, clamouring for attention,  that I'm in danger of failing to heed the One Voice who has been seeking my attention all along.

I felt desperation to stay connected to the world as mine shrunk to four walls,  a deep desire and need for friendship with fellow M.E/chronic illness sufferers in particular, a real enjoyment of sharing thoughts and ideas with writers and bloggers.

But I have run into a problem: more burn-out, very little recovery to speak of, and confusion over what I'm really supposed to be giving my very depleted energy and limited 'active' time to. Sometimes we can spread ourselves so thin we're at risk of tearing into tiny, fragile pieces that are incapable of bringing substance to anything.

How do I decide the best way to move forward? God is showing me that it is only achieved by first stepping back, retreating a little, if you like.

Crashing and burning is an all too common phenomenon for M.E sufferers. The temptation to over-do things is irresistible when precious energy is available, but it leads to an urgent need for more rest, pacing, scaling back of activities and prioritising. That's where I'm at right now.

I don't often write about my life with M.E. (you can click on the link to see the main symptoms). It sits hovering in the background like an inconvenient truth I'd prefer to ignore, even if profound daily symptoms are an ever-present reminder. When they become as intrusive as they are now (I suffer from over 80% of the listed symptoms), they shout for attention and completely take over everything. Any semblance of the 'normal' life I crave is then impossible to hang on to.

Just recently I wrote a poetic lament about how unjustly those with M.E (and, indeed, other chronic physical and mental illnesses) are often perceived. Today, I am sharing my struggles in a different way.

I've not given up on anything yet (just dis-engaged and slowed down considerably), though I will have to soon to avoid further relapse.

What I am doing now is actively seeking to be quiet for a spell. And to facilitate this I am going on a retreat for a few days. They have no wi-fi, so it also means going 'cold-turkey' with social media...gulp!! My phone may not get a signal either...more gulping.

In the way with God-incidences, this was planned a few weeks ago when the only pressing need was a soothing, helpful environment to house and take care of me for a few days while my beloved (husband, carer and personal slave) goes to visit our youngest son. It was clear even then that I couldn't cope with the necessary 5+ hour (including stops) car journey there and back, the noise and disruption of planned DIY, nor the social interaction.

So this retreat is literally a god-send for all concerned. It involves taking a step back to evaluate where I am now and what may need changing, for we can get so caught up in comparing or competing with the ways, words, or works of others, that we fail to see what God is asking us to be, say/write, or do.

This side of it I have no idea what a retreat will look like, what I will do or achieve.

I hope to:sleep, rest, relax, switch off, unwind, listen to God, pray, read, write, drink in the peace and quiet, receive some spiritual mentoring. At this point it looks like sleep may be my main activity.

I am wary of even temporarily leaving the world of social media and the blogosphere that has been such a lifeline. The friendships and support gained there are invaluable to me as a housebound person who longs for connection, and the flexibility to dip in and out at a time of my choosing.

Even so, I recognise that my soul and body currently crave peace; stimulation of any kind is exhausting and silence is beginning to look like a very attractive option indeed.

The company of like-minded souls (and Anglican nuns) also sounds very appealing.

Knowing that I am one who devoured books about convent life and loved 'The Song of Bernadette' film as a child, my husband feels a bit worried that I may not want to return home again at the end of my stay!

Entering the novitiate may be tempting. Hmm...

But I love life, even one limited and constrained by chronic sickness. I love my family, friends, people, social interaction, chatting and being part of things too much to want to lose contact completely.

And I know too much silence may just drive me crazy

Balance is what it's all about.

Meanwhile, I know I will benefit from the break, but I'm also going to miss you all dreadfully.

And I need your help:
Please would you pray for me to make the best of this opportunity, to hear from God concerning my present and future calling, and to be able to discern the right way forward when I return? Thank you so much.

It has taken me a long, painfully slow, grinding week to write this in tiny snatches and if you have made it to the end of this rather long, meandering post, I congratulate you! 

There will be better days. I will write more eloquently. I will feel less sick and incapacitated. And I hope to record the retreat experience on a blog post near you very soon - God willing - if this is a temporary blip rather than a more serious setback.

So take good care of yourselves, my friends. I really look forward to catching up with you in a week or so.

May God greatly bless and keep you all in His tender loving care until we meet again.

********

PS:I love reading and replying to your comments. Please feel free to leave one below and I'll do my best to catch up with them when I return and (hopefully) normal service of sorts resumes. Thank you.